"Hoes in area codes"

Ludacris has many hoes in many area codes, apparently. Someone took the liberty of mapping them.

I'dve booed them, too

Say you're a Major League Baseball team. Just say, for the sake of argument, that you were pretty shitty 5 years ago, got better, went to the World Series two years ago and are now a pretty hot team. Say that you make a major trade in the offseason, snagging two world series champions, one of whom happens to be one of the premiere players in the league. Your fans, anticipating a great season with offensive firepower and a dominant rotation, snatch up all the tickets to be had for the first week of the season. Say that one of the teams played this week is one of the worst teams in the league. What would you say you'd do? Would you LOSE EVERY SINGLE GAME IN THAT FIRST WEEK AND MAKE THE ENTIRE TEAM LOOK LIKE LITTLE LEAGUERS?

If that were to happen, hypothetically, how would you expect fans to react to that? Just take it mildly and shrug it off, despite the fact that in only one of these games did the team really look like the team with the second-highest payroll in the league?

No? Good. The Tigers deserved to be booed. The Tigers are making fools not only of themselves but of their fans - everyone who even marginally follows baseball and kind of likes the Tigers. Do you have any idea what I endured tonight? Do you? Tigers fans have been waiting for a team like this since 1984. We've been excited about this season ever since November's trade. This might be the most highly anticipated season in Detroit Tigers history, and what do you do? You catch us all with our pants down, rosy cheeked and blue balls as fans of other teams begin to rail in to us. It's not a good position to be in.

If you have a starting lineup with these kinds of names in it you better score some motherfucking runs. There's absolutely no excuse. What could you say? They keep losing the ball in the sun? The lights? It's colder here than in Florida? I'm not getting paid enough to hit something other than a weak line drive or fly ball? Seriously, I want to know.

The only excuse I can think of is that they aren't trying hard enough, which really isn't an excuse. There is no reason why they should be this bad right now. I think they'll come around, but these past six games aren't exactly confidence builders. If I could right now, I'd punch every single one of them in the face.

Top Ten Songs I Use If My Life Was A Series Of Movie-style Montages

I love a good movie montage. In fact, few things about movies make me happier than a well-edited montage with good music in the background (one favorite that comes to mind is the Margot montage in The Royal Tenenbaums. Maybe montages are cliche or kind of lame, but I love them. And if my life were a movie (or, at the very least, a series of montages), then it would have a pretty kickass soundtrack.

Usually montages are a good way at speeding along the time and setting of a movie and telling the story in a quick and (usually) painless way. So most of the so-called montages that I have created on the spot do this. This isn't a collection of background music during an extended and important scene (I might do that one sometime soon).

And I should note that once I get past the college portion of this it's all made up. I mean, most of it didn't happen as I would chronicle it in the movie. My life would be kind of boring if I did a memory-for-memory movie. And really fucking long.

In some sort of chronological order:

The event: Me growing up.
The song: The Kinks - "Do You Remember Walter?"
Why: It'd be like the intro credits of the movie, because I have a hard time thinking this far back. My childhood was really boring. So it will be mostly scenes of me doing kid things and playing with Ninja Turtles and playing basketball on my kiddie hoop. That sort of thing. There's not much else you can do with that than "whimsical." I had to pick an oldie because that's the only real music I was conscious of at that point. The Kinks it is then.

My actual life (the movie) would probably start here, in high school:

The event: Me discovering indie music (for better or for worse). Lots of shots of me at record stores, leafing through vinyl and CDs, with shots of those bands and album covers interspersed on the screen. Maybe a few of me sitting in my room with headphones.
The song: Pavement - "Stereo"
Why: I still remember the instance. I was hanging out with my friend Geoff and we were looking at the internet and we stumbled across Pitchfork. We were both already kind of starting to get into better music, him more than I (at the time I believe my favorite bands were Nirvana, the Foo Fighters, the Beatles, and Bad Religion or something. Not bad, but could be better). He had seen Pitchfork before, and apparently he had already heard about Pavement. He played me some and then gave me his burned copy of Brighten the Corners. And that was that. So if anyone ever wants to know why I'm such an ass about some of these things, I blame Geoff.

The event: Going downtown for the first time and taking it all in.
The song: The Beatles - "Got To Get You Into My Life"
Why: I'm not sure this actually happened, per-say. I mean, there was never one instance of me going on a subway by myself for the first time and exploring the city. That's probably mostly because Detroit doesn't have subways. Either way, I always think that "GTGYIML" is the perfect "going and exploring on a summer day" type song. I I mean, I've done that in Detroit before. So fuck you guys.

The event: The sports montage. I never actually was on my high school baseball team, but this is a hypothetical "what-if-I-was-and-what-if-we-won-state?" sort of thing. (If you couldn't tell, this movie has no real plot).
The song: The Count Five - "Psychotic Reaction"
Why: I like sports montages. I have no idea why. One of my favorites is in "Little Big League" where it shows the Twins (as managed by a 12 year old kid) suddenly clicking together and making a bunch of sweet plays to the tune of "Move to Japan" by the Band. There's another equally good one in there to the tune of "Runaround Sue." I wanted a montage that felt like that. So this could be good.

The event: College. Lots of scenes of fun college things. Minus a lot of the partying, which will be the next scene.
The song: The Strokes - "Reptilia"
Why: I made a list freshman year that was "Top Ten Songs I Listened to Freshman Year of College." I can't find it anymore but I'm pretty sure this was number one. Even if it wasn't, any Strokes song would do. I listened to a lot of them freshman year. I don't as much any more, but when I do it's always enjoyable.

The event: Getting really drunk for the first time. I could incorporate all the vices in there: first cigarette, first drugs. And then chronicling a lot of (probably ill-advised) scenes of partying. And then just me taking swigs of Old Crow while I write papers alone in my room. (This scene could concievably be before the previous Strokes scene.)
The song: It would begin with Uncle Tupelo - "I Got Drunk" and then fade into Modest Mouse - "Polar Opposites."
Why: The first song might seem like the title is too obvious, but damn, is it appropriate: "I got druuunk / And I fell down!" It just highlights the "don't give a fuck" attitude you sometimes get when you drink a lot. The Modest Mouse is there for when it becomes a problem ("I'm tryin' / To drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away"). I think we all feel like this sometimes.

The event: The relationship.
The song: Wilco - "Kamera"
Why: A perfect "everything is awesome" song. It's just so damn happy. Lots of cliche relationship scenes. But then...

The event: The breakup / girl getting back together with the old boyfriend / girl breaking up with him again / girl trying to keep flirting with you but still saying she doesn't want a relationship
The song: Local H - "No Problem"
Why: "I've always been an easy in / And easy out the door again / I know it's only because you're down / That you'd ever want to come around / Just a little secret in a little town / You had me but it's over now / You'll get my attention again somehow / It's no problem." That's why.

The event: Roadtrippin'
The song: Bob Dylan - "Nashville Skyline Rag / "To Be Along With You"
Why: Well, not depressed anymore (the movie works that out in the actual dialog - girl and I are cool now), single again, and once again carefree. So I take a roadtrip with friends (not necessarily any one road trip that happened...but incorporating parts of roadtrips that I've had). This is a good roadtrip song. Or at least I usually pop in Nashville Skyline when I'm roadtripping.

The event: The movie's final scene. I'm not sure where it will be yet. Probably somewhere where we finish our roadtrip.
The song: The Replacements - "I Will Dare"
Why: This is the one that isn't actually a real event (yet). But the idea is we finish the roadtrip and we're somewhere neat, some random place, and we go somewhere where I meet a beautiful, cool woman. Maybe going from a record store to getting coffee to being at a minor league baseball stadium with said woman and friends. Roll credits. As the song starts.

(Fuck you. It's my life and my movie.)

The Question

Today on Intensities in Ten Suburbs, Andrew Unterburger tries to respond to the question that serious music listeners hate most: "What kind of music do you listen to?"

This topic got me thinking. I replied to the post, saying that it's almost exactly the same question as "What's your favorite band?" - only the latter question, I might argue, is even more difficult. When someone asks you the simple genre questions, they're probably not expecting something more in-depth than "I listen to rock/ indie/ folk/ trip-hop/ etc." There's a certain amount of ambiguity implied right from the beginning.

While I agree wholeheartedly with what Unterburger says (and I'd suggest you read the post, it's very accurate), I always find the "favorite band" question even more difficult. The main essence of this question is: "I would like you to pick one musical artist that you admire over all other musical artists, always and forever." There's no flexibility or ambiguity there. It's a "gun to the head" type question. Other than the fact that most "serious music listeners" favorite bands change frequently depending on time of day, time of year, weather outside, mood, books currently reading/ just read, and state of intoxication, there's no simple way to answer this question even if you COULD pick one absolute favorite.

Example: "I like the Rolling Stones."

Now, this poses a multitude of problems. If you're talking to a music geek like yourself, there's a chance that he'll assume that you really don't like music that much; that you're one of those people that is actually dumb enough to pay 70 bucks for lower-bowl Stones tickets at Ford Field, the kind who truly believe that the Stones are still the greatest rock and roll band in the world.

On the other hand, if you're talking to someone who isn't a geek, they'll assume the same thing - except they'll be one of them and start trying to talk to you about that time they saw the Stones in '99. You'll then attempt to explain that they really aren't very good after Exile and utterly unlistenable after Some Girls, and then that your favorite album is actually Between the Buttons and then they'll look at you funny and say that they don't have that one. Of course they don't, because people like that use Hot Rocks as their record of the Stones from 1962-1968.

You can see the sort of problem this poses. I really do love the Stones, but it's a pain in the ass to specify that you only love them until 1975, and really hate them after 1979.

It's the opposite problem with artists that aren't household names. I won't go into detail here, but try answering the "favorite band" question with someone like Bad Brains or Guided by Voices or Sonic Youth. I don't know if it's harder to hear the awkward "Oh...cool" dismissal or to answer the equally difficult "Oh, I've never heard of them, what do they sound like?" question.

I'll spare you more bitching about this, though. After reading Unterburger's post, I really thought about it and came up with an answer that I could probably get away with as being somewhat definitive. People that ask me this question won't like this, but fuck 'em. They've started enough trouble as it is:

(conversation, turns to music)
"Yeah man, I saw your picture in the Collegian. You, like, write about music and stuff?"
(note: I have made this conversation as stereotypically "worst case scenario" as possible...most people that ask me this are fairly nice, smart, and normal people...not stupid frat boys. But this is my blog, so that's how I'm writing this example.)
"Yeah, a little bit."
"Aw, cool. So, like, what's your favorite band?"
"Uh, well, I donno, I have a lot."
"Ah, c'mon bro, Tell me at least one. EVERYBODY has to have a favorite."
(I scowl)
"Fine. But I don't have one favorite. I have five musical artists that, if I HAD to choose, I would probably name my favorite. But let me warn you, I listen to various types and kinds of music, and various bands. At any given hour I might change my mind. You might not have heard of these bands. So don't say I didn't warn you. I really like the Rolling Stones -"
"Oh, cool man I - "
"I'm not done. I told you I had five. The Rolling Stones, Joy Division, Elvis Costello, Sonic Youth, and R.E.M."
(silence. I realize that these bands aren't really, in the scheme of things, all that obscure. He does too. He opens his mouth to say something but I remember something else.)
"Oh, yeah, and almost anything by present or former members of the Wu-Tang Clan."

"Cool..."
(he walks away)

I realize that I'm a bigger asshole than I give myself credit for.

Remind me never to talk about music with anyone else ever again.

Clash (Of London Calling fame, as opposed to the "Of Cultures" fame)

Nick sent me this video the other day:



Aside from the fact that (1) dancing animals always make a normally boring video 100% watchable and (2) the main guy in the video looks like Kevin Barnes if he decided to pose as the Counting Crow(e?)s lead singer for a day, this video was interesting in that it led me to this video:



Which reminded me of this M.I.A. song:



Which ultimatley begs the question: are The Clash a "hip" band again? I mean, granted, they've always been universally recognized by critics and other bands, but by "hip" I mean acceptable enough to appear in rap videos. What's next, Mick Jones laying down a guitar track for the new Wu-Tang album? (Which, come to think of it, would be AWESOME). I guess I'm just curious as to why rappers are sampling them now (this is two in the past maybe 5 months).

I can understand sampling "Straight to Hell," which is ultimatley the best ever slow jam about the Vietnam War. M.I.A. rocks it pretty well.

But whoever the hell this "Lethal Bizzle" fellow is, I'd like to ask him a few things. First, why the hell would you choose "Police on My Back" to rap over? It's gotta be the least rap-able track on Sandanista!. It's really the only straightforward "rock" song on the album. I might have chosen "The Magnificent Seven" "Look Here" or "The Washington Bullets" or any of the numerous dub songs (a particular favorite of mine is "The Equaliser"). But, even more importantly, WHY IS THERE ANOTHER BAND PLAYING THE SONG BEHIND YOU?! the song is obviously a sample. People who know the song will not be fooled into thinking they are actually playing the song with you. And third, aside from the stupid looking token white band playing behind you, could you edit this video any worse than you already have? The dogs in there seem random.

Christ, I think we need to get the RZA and Mick Jones together and drop a new joint post-haste. Prehaps Ghostface can spin a sick verse about his friend who used to cut coke and then got shot over an inspired replaying of "Koka Kola." I'm waiting, Rizz. I'm waiting.

Monkeys

I've forgotten how good this video is:



Maybe the clowns have something to do with it. I don't know. But I've recently rediscovered the virtues of the Arctic Monkeys, frontman Alex Turner specifically. Yes, I realize I'm about a year-and-a-half late on this, but I don't care.

I bought Favourite Worst Nightmare when it came out last April and thought it was a decent yet ultimatley forgettable album. I think I was way wrong.

On a whim last night I played it all the way through driving back from the airport and was astounded how...astute it is. If I didn't know any better (I don't) I'd compare songwriter Alex Turner to something of a modern day, college-aged (but not educated) Ray Davies.

Heresy, some might say. Maybe. But bear with me here. Most of his songwriting on the band's first album, Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not delt with little slice-of-life moments in the lives of middle-class British kids who like to party a lot. Not necessarily anything groundbreaking, and most of the songs deal with dancing or getting beat up by bouncers or getting ready to go and party for the night. This prevails for the first half of the album, until track 9 kicks in - the few songs after this show some impressive lyrical insights.

"Mardy Bum" (which, I believe, is British slang for something or other...I'd look it up but I'm on a typing roll right now) is a somewhat simple (as far as music goes, all of their songs are straightforward punk-influenced rock) love song about some working stiff who fights a lot with his girlfriend. Don't ask me why, but I think some of these lyrics are gems:

Now then Mardy Bum
I see your frown
And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around

And then, the bridge:

And yeah I'm sorry I was late
Well I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care
Well of course I do, yeah I clearly do!

This rings true to me for some reason, especially when the above lines are followed by a somewhat sloppy guitar solo which brings to mind images of a fight, or sloppy makeup sex, or both.

The next song is "Prehaps Vampires is a Bit Strong But..." which is a raucus condemnation of the music press (think: NME or Rolling Stone) that seems to hound artists around every turn. Think "Rape Me" or "In Bloom" (that are about similar topics) with a sweet noisy breakdown in the middle.

Ray (and Dave) Davies, in their heyday, both wrote songs where they invented characters - maybe based on people that they knew or knew of around their hometown (think "Tin Soldier Man" or "Session Man" or "Do You Remember Walter" or "David Watts") .

Turner does the same thing. Two of the last three songs on "Whatever People Say I Am..." contain some character that Turner tells us about - albeit with less sunshine and more depression. It makes sense, though, seeing as how the Monkeys hail from Sheffield and the Kinks were from London. That's like the difference between being from Pittsburgh or Detroit and being from New York, from what I understand.

So their songs have a gritty take on life in the city. "When the Sun Goes Down" tells of a pimp who, by all accounts, "Is a scumbag, don't ya know?"

The last song on the album, though, is the kicker: "A Certain Romance". It's something of a cautionary tale: love, art, and decency are dead, and we know who killed it: jerks who think they're cool and just want pleasure. Or something like that. I don't know. I'm just stricken by the lines: "And over there there's broken bones / There's only music, so that there's new ringtones / And it don't take no Sherlock Holmes / To see it's a little different around here." It climaxes nicely with the guitars at full throttle.

So the point here is that "Favourite Worst Nighmare" is full of Kinks-y character tales. Most of it works pretty well and Turner has stepped up his lyrical game a bit - no songs about partying or dancing and he keeps the angsty relationship stories to a minimum. I like "Fluorescent Adolescent"s tale of the older housewife in heat, and how "Brainstorm" makes fun of player guys who try too hard to woo women ("Brian, top marks for not trying...We just can't take our eyes of his t-shirt and ties combination").

Maybe it's still a little rigid, and maybe the simple music doesn't make up for the lyrics, but I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean, Christ, the oldest member of the band is only a year older than me! They released the first album before any of them were even 21!

I think they deserve time. And listening. And maybe a new band name, but it'll have to do for now.

Recovery

I just "recovered" this blog after a year-and-a-half of inactivity. I won't delete anything, for hilarity's sake. But I'll try and get better quality control from now on. Expect more in-depth music and literary stuff than on the sad bear blog.

Peace.